Becoming a man

I was in my late twenties, I had money to burn

So I bought me a flat with the money I'd earn

I got a nice car, a surround sound TV

A wardrobe of clothes all designed just for me

With holiday villas all costing a price

What else could I want? Well sex would be nice

Yes, that side of life was decidedly slacking

As at each Christmas party my plus one was lacking

I'd tell other people I'm single through choice

'Yes, other people's' responded a voice

I'd develop a crush on these women I'd seen

Always the wrong type, Thora Hird or the Queen

The only time that I'd been in a woman I fear

Was the Statue of Liberty, only last year

Just awful things happened when on every date

They would never come back, I was in a real state

I had low self esteem with these thoughts in my head

As I spent every night, all alone in my bed

If I'd known this was it, I am sorry to mention

Then on my last date I'd have paid more attention

I'm blaming my parents, just no use at all

For the birds and the bees talk they gave me when small

For all that they said that I needed to know

Was the man goes on top, the woman below

So I crept down the hall in the middle of night

As I opened the door I was shocked at the sight

As just as they said, there was mum below dad

Fast asleep in their bunk bed I'd forgotten they had

And from that day on, all alone with my hopes

I needed a woman to show me the ropes

So what should I do, my mind was ablaze

I looked on some websites, for several days

And after a week, looking night after night

I stumbled on one, she was looking just right

Leticia's her name, with her photo's to view

She looked just the right type that she'd know what to do

The next seven days I would sit on my own

Trying to summon the courage to phone

I had several small drinks, and then several more

This was the day I would phone, I was sure

This was all that I'd dreamt of throughout the past week

'Hello' said my voice in a pale high-pitched squeak

I had try to sound cool so that she'd be impressed

All the time my heart pounding away in my chest

She said what she'd do and then told me the price

And all I could say in response was 'That's nice'

She had a free afternoon she said with a smile

As the next party conference isn't down for a while

And so it was fixed, I will always remember

2pm on the Tuesday, the 3 rd of September

I put down the phone, I had done it at last

And wished that next Tuesday would come round real fast

And when Tuesday came, I took greatest of care

In washing my bits and then grooming my hair

I wore my best pants that showed of my new tan

Not the ones that I'd got as a present from gran

I quickly got dressed, I was looking the part

But all I could feel was the pound of my heart

'You really can do this, yes you really can

And when you return you will be a real man'

It was then time to leave, I should be on my way

As I walked through the town, oh yes this was my day

I'm sure that the people were looking, all knowing,

At where I was off to and why I was going

I got there too early, I won't buzz just yet

I'll just go for a walk, my palms wringing with sweat

So I walked up and down, I looked out at the sea

And tried to imagine what she'd do to me

I went back to her place, have I made the right choice?

Press the buzzer and wait, 'Please come up' says a voice

So I bound up the stairs and I reach the first floor

And I wait as she slowly opens the door

She smiles and says 'hi', dressed up very revealing

But I try not to stare and look up at the ceiling

I enter her room but trip over the door

And I stumble and fall and end up on the floor

'A man at my feet' she says, all the time grinning

And I stand up again, oh God what a beginning

Avoiding her eyes I look round the front room

And I'm sure that she's dreading her impending doom

I try to make small talk, don't know what to do

So I look out the window and say 'what a nice view'

She invites me to sit, I look out at the rain

As she offers me orange or wine or champagne

Champagne it shall be, but I drink it too quick

And on top of the nerves I'm now feeling quite sick

She sits down beside me, puts her hand on my knee

And I try to relax and look out at the sea

And when I've calmed down and I look in her eyes

I realise it's happening, try hide my surprise

She takes both my hands as my body it yearns

And I pass through the door, from which no return

So she takes me quite slowly to lie on the bed

With the thoughts of what's next running round in my head

And from that moment on, well you don't need to know

As I'm sure you don't want an account, blow by blow

But needless to say that at last I had fun

After seventeen minutes the deed had been done

As I lay the quite breathless, a bit overawed

The fanfares they play and the crowd they applaud

And the champagne corks pop just as loud as they can

At the start of September, becoming a man

So I sit on the bed and I suddenly blush

At the things that we did, so I say I must rush

So I quickly get dressed and I thank her again

And before I can think I'm back out in the rain

And as I walk home through the rain and the wet

I think 'God that was good, it's the best I've had yet'

And several years on as I walk past a shop

There's a sight in the window, I freeze to the spot

A book, 'Body Worship' and there on the cover

Leticia, the woman, who was my first lover

So I flick through each page paying greatest attention

To see if my visit's been given a mention

Well, you'll have to read it, did she remember

2pm on the Tuesday, the 3 rd of September.